I'm ashamed of a book
📰 Hiding an action in a world of sharing
I knew what I was getting into.
The book's title brings shame: the words, context, and subtitle. I even turned off my Kindle settings so it wouldn't show its cover while turned off.
I read the book, from cover to cover. I did it on purpose.
If I heard someone talking about this book and its subject, I'd probably frown upon it and say, in a beat, "this is bullshit," or even, "this goes against much I believe in."
Differently from when I picked up a book recommended by a friend and completely hated it, in this case, I knew what I was getting into. I looked after it.
It came to me while I was online, searching anonymously in the private tab for a combination of words I could never imagine myself writing. I found it in a questionable forum, within a list of other works about this particular subject — some recommended, others not.
It seemed like a buffet of rotten food: some better tasting, some not, all sickening. I couldn't call all the books repulsive but distasteful.
Alas, I read the preface, the intro, each chapter, and the conclusion.
Some would say I'm being exaggerated here, and I am. This bad book is not comparable to genuinely horrible works, such as the writings of dictators and murderers. It's pretty harmless but filled with ideas I disagree with entirely and topics I'd rather not discuss.
Still, there was I, fully conscious, having a heated internal debate with myself about the content. This debate made me sad and angry, mainly because the book's argument made sense.
I knew the math was flawed and incomplete, but sometimes, the pieces fit, and the discussion looked like basic 1+1=2.
Most of it was easy to rebuke, but some parts got me... thinking. A few things it said — even against my beliefs — looked like sound ideas, a proven thesis. This feeling of having my mind disagreeing with itself built a knot in my brain and gave me a headache.
The worse part is not being able to take this whole argument out, share it with my peers, and get their opinions because of pure shame.
Putting it out there to the world that I read this book and wanted to discuss it would raise more questions than answers. People would question why I wasted my time on this, and I don't want to lie about it: it's not for simple research, it's not for my fiction work. I read it because I wanted to. I needed to.
I didn't put it in Goodreads — and won't — especially because it's not a 1-star book. It's, sadly, a 3. It pains me to say there are some things it said that I enjoyed knowing.
So, the question is: what to do when you read things that disrespectfully challenge your philosophy or thoughts that would shatter not only superficial beliefs but deep ones? How to bring to the discussion that you purposefully read something that would probably offend your peers?
What I read in this book encouraged behavior I'd condemn to achieve a goal I wanted to achieve. The way I'm currently trying is definitely not working, so my mind always comes back to, "what about that book... it said some stuff that might work... why not give it a try just once? A single sip/sniff/smoke won't kill you, right?"
I'd love to discuss it, but I won't. I don't know who would have the heart to understand my reasons or the spirit to forgive my line of thought. I'm not sure I'll bring this to therapy, and if I'm afraid of my therapist, well, then I'm scared of everyone else.
I read a book that made me ashamed, about things that question my beliefs and pushing behavior that goes against my philosophy.
And I might have been convinced.